Navigating Difficult Relationships

How to get the very best out of someone
(in difficult conversations or with difficult people)

I often have clients ask how they can get someone in their life to respect them, treat them better, include them, honor their wishes, etc. A core principle I say all the time is that the only person we have control over is ourselves. This can be very frustrating at times! Knowing this, we might make the conclusion that, well, we can’t make anyone treat us better. And though that is essentially true (we can’t make them), we do have a lot of power to influence, which can be a general predictor of whether or not we will have success. Fighting hard for the meaningful relationships in our lives takes a particular skill set that anyone can learn, no matter how late in the game you think you are. It is not too late to try. So, today I wanted to highlight one of my favorite metaphors from the Gottman Institute that addresses these relationship skills, called “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

The Gottman Institute has studied marriage and relationships extensively and they found four things that are poison to any relationship. They are:

1.        Criticism

2.        Contempt

3.        Defensiveness

4.        Stonewalling

So, let’s dive into those four things.

Criticism

 Are we allowed to ever ask our spouse and others we care about to change? Are we allowed to address difficult issues? Yes, absolutely. And we should. Critiques and complaints are two examples of healthy requests for change. What’s the difference? Simply that criticism attacks the person, telling them that, as a whole, they are a problem. Such as the difference below.

A complaint:

“I felt really scared when I didn’t know where you were. Why didn’t you call me?”

And a criticism:

“You never tell me where you are going! You don’t care about other’s feelings at all!”

Most of us have been on the receiving end of criticism before, and it does not feel good to be attacked.

The antidote for this is to ask ourselves if our words could be gentler. Talk first about our own feelings, then address the need as a positive. Saying “I feel…” then “I need…” with deep respect for the other person leads to much more success.  (i.e. I feel left out right now. I need a little more connection to family events going on.)

Contempt

Contempt is an attempt to demean the moral character of another person, while feeling that we are superior. This comes from hatred, anger, and other negative feelings stewing in us for a while. This is a serious problem. When we feel contempt for another person, it is better to not communicate at all than to talk down in anger. The antidote is going to be sincere compassion for that person and respect for where they are coming from. The more we can recognize the good they are doing and the struggles they face, the softer and kinder we will feel.

So, the antidote is to build a culture of appreciation and respect. Notice the good and tell your partner or loved one that you see it and be incredibly patient with the issues that are bothering you. Seeing a counselor or other emotion coach by yourself may also be extremely helpful when you are at this point.

Defensiveness

Although every one of us has felt defensive at times, it is rarely an effective conversational tool. This happens when we feel attacked and we excuse ourselves or try to paint ourselves as innocent and helpless. In a defensive state we don’t take responsibility, which does not show respect for the other person and their concerns. So the antidote is to take responsibility for what is our fault and communicate with respect for their feelings.

It might look like turning this:

“I was way too busy to mow the lawn and you know it! You could do it yourself you know!”

Into this:

“I’m sorry I didn’t get to mowing the lawn like I said I would. I should have talked to you about it when I realized I was running late at work. I’ll do that now.”

Defensiveness almost always happens in response to criticism. When on the receiving end of criticism, it takes a lot of effort to respectfully take responsibility for our own actions, but it can be done!

And another note—defensiveness comes out more when there is a culture of criticism. Even if in a singular conversation we have been gentle and respectful, it may take a while for the relationship to heal. If your partner or loved one is responding to you with defensiveness, even when you feel there was no attack—please be patient with them! Don’t give up! You both can heal, but you will need time.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling is a serious condition. This is when we shut down and stop responding to our partner or loved one. It is often a defense mechanism to protect ourselves from contempt. While it looks very passive, it is actually a state where we are flooded with emotion. Communicating while in that state can be more harmful than helpful, so the solution isn’t necessarily to talk it out right then. Instead, learn to communicate quickly that you need a break to calm down. The break can be short, such as a bubble bath, long shower, walking outside, or listening to music—anything that helps you calm down. Then starting up again, with an intense effort to avoid the first three Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Conclusion

Relationships are hard! They take so much effort. While there are some relationships that need to end, and I will always support those critical situations, many times leaving will rob of us the opportunity to work for healing in relationships. This is a vital skill to develop in this life. There is so much brokenness in the world—let’s fight for change!

Good luck to all on your journeys!

Sources:

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/