Addiction

I was recently talking with a friend whose husband struggles with an addiction. They are an amazing couple. They have each worked incredibly hard on themselves so they can make this marriage work, and it shows. Every time I talk with my friend, I am struck by her degree of maturity and the depth of understanding she has about what it means to be healthy while loving someone who has an addiction. She knows who she is, and she knows who her husband is, too. He is a good man that is suffering, fighting a very hard battle, often alone. It does not define him. And it does not define her.

Misconceptions

Now, there are a lot of misconceptions about addiction, as well as those who struggle with them. Here are a few:

1.        There is no way you can have a functional marriage with a person with an addiction

2.        People with an addiction lack willingness to change

3.        People with an addiction are selfish

4.        People with an addiction are easy to spot (not true!)

5.        It is a deep embarrassment to be married to someone who fights an addiction

I want every one of you to know that none of these are true. Fighting an addiction does not make an individual a bad person. These are good people all around us, struggling against a burden no one can see, every day of their lives.

Addiction covers alcohol and drug use. It also covers shopping, food, pornography, social media, sex, etc. Many, many behaviors and substances can become an addiction. So where do we start in addressing this…

Why do people become addicted in the first place?

Usually, it is to cope. This is why children who grow up in highly distressing circumstances are likely to struggle with an addiction. Another reason is that they were introduced at too young of an age to make a wise choice, before they had the maturity to know they should run away as fast as they can.

Once our brain decides that this is the best path to getting dopamine, our happiness chemical, our body responds with a craving that feels like we need it, like someone in a famine needs food. Depending on the addiction, the pull can be constant at certain times, or may come in continuous waves.

So how do we fight against addiction?

I have three pieces of advice for families and individuals concerning addiction.

1.        Stay away!

The very best way to avoid addiction to a substance is to not play around with addictive substances. And I mean every addictive substance. Social drinking and recreational drug use are top of my list to avoid-because it very easily switches from “just for fun” to a coping mechanism as soon as we face a hard time in life or use too much. I also add the often-considered harmless products of caffeine and pornography. The very best gift you could ever give your future self is to avoid these like the plague. Caffeine only gives us borrowed energy; it robs our future health and well-being. Pornography turns people into products and gives us a cheap counterfeit for the beautiful, unifying experiences of sex within marriage. These things have so much power to rob us of joy. Never give them an inch.

2.        Find your way to cope with life

To have a life free of all addiction we must learn to find healthy ways to release some of our stress throughout each day. I had a friend who was struggling against alcohol addiction, and though she had been clean for 4 years, she described at that point having her first day where she did not feel alcohol craving all day! This amazes, that she fights this battle so hard! She mentioned another day that she had started self-medicating by eating chocolate. We chuckled over this, and I believe every effort to not give in to an addiction is so precious. I honor and respect her fight. I also know, though, that our bodies want to switch addictions rather than be free. A food addiction will limit our future as well, just differently than another addiction will. We can deflate the pressure we carry inside us throughout each day through healthy avenues. This might be resting when we’re exhuasted, getting outside, exercising, talking with a loved one about our burdens, etc. When we do so, we are less likely to crack under our load.

3.        Fill the cup!

I once heard a sex addict talk about his very rough journey, which included serving jail time, and he mentioned turning to God for help. He described one day at his work, where he had a paint cup that he needed to clean out. When he got to the sink, instead of scrubbing, he just let the clean water run and run, overflowing the cup, until every last drop of paint was cleaned out. He shared that he felt a clear message from God at that time, that he would need to be like that cup. He would need to fill his life and his mind continually with good things, until his addiction was all gone from his life. I believe this is true! We need to replace the void that addiction leaves with relationships, with purpose, with growth in areas we care about. And we can come away stronger than we ever were before.

Conclusion

I know that when we are recovering from an addiction, we are not “damaged goods.” We come away from the trials we experience with incredible strength and growth within us. Though surely no one wants to learn in such a painful way, the things learned while fighting addiction will change us forever. Let us be gentle with ourselves and others, like our Savior was gentle with those who wanted to change. He loves each of us! And He can guide us and give us the power we each need to bear our own burdens.

I love you all,

Carrie Mayo, MA